Soaring.

I know people say it time and time again but life is what you make it. Or to me life is how you perceive it. If you chose to look at it in a negative way, then everything that happens to you will be negative. Whereas if you chose to be positive and think, wait a minute, maybe this is a good thing, then your whole perspective can change. Right now I chose to me positive, maybe that’s because I’m happy with how things are. I feel incredibly lucky to have met some of the people I’ve met recently, I feel blessed to be where I am as it’s where I wanted to be. Maybe I’m just lucky in some aspects of my life. I know in sure as hell unlucky in love. But I’m just thinking that my time to be in love isn’t here yet, right now it’s my time to enjoy learning and making new friends. Growing up and being independent for the first time in my life. I am 20 years old at the end of the day, it was time for me to start a fresh. Time for me to leave behind the people that seemed to always be holding me back from really grasping my potential, like messy ex’s that feel like they can flit in and out my life and promise me the world in one breath and then laugh in my face the next. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I just think that I probably wouldn’t be here at university,with these people studying this course, discovering new place and being generally happy if I hasn’t made them. I don’t want to lose all the people from my old life but there’s a few select few that I think I’m better off without. Time for me to fly the nest. Time for me to soar.

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Hangover days

Obviously when you come to university you get involved in everything, you get drunk and you go out and party with all your new friends. But they forget to mention the fact that you embarrass yourself a lot in the process. You say things to people that you really shouldn’t. You ring up your ex’s and repeatedly text them in an attempt to get a response from them. You get attention from guys that you don’t particularly want attention from and you get caught up in the moment with people. You also meet people that you have a lot of respect for that you just end up looking like a fool in front of. Last night vodka wasn’t my friend. I hated myself last night and I still hate myself today.

Mistakes and heartbreaks.

So as far as my life is concerned it has just changed massively. I moved into my university halls yesterday away from my home town.. I went out and experienced my first night out in my new hometown. Which was fun, I’m enjoying it here so far, the girls I’m living with seem really lovely, the only problem is I’m not the most sociable person at times so I tend to spend a lot of time just cooped up in my room. For example right now. 

Last night was eventful to say the least, I had a great time with one of my flat mates and I even pulled. He was good looking and nice so I took him home with me, I didn’t sleep with him though don’t you worry. We just cuddled and kissed. I’m kind of mad at myself for doing it because I shouldn’t be doing that it goes against everything that I disagree with but at the same time it was so nice to be held in someones arms and kissed like they meant it even if it was a complete stranger. It was an experience nonetheless. Something to tick off my bucket list. 

Thats not even the weirdest bit, my dreaded ex decided to ring me at 4am whilst this other guy was in my bed. And go on about how pleased he is that I’ve gone to university and he’s jealous and he can’t believe how well I’ve done and that sort of thing. He then says he wants to see me, he wants me to go up tomorrow (today) and see him. He also wants me to go his next weekend and spend friday through till sunday with him at his. But he said he wanted me at his by 4pm today, its now half 4, I’m still at university and I’ve text him TWICE with no reply. He has been in Sheffield all weekend so his phone might be dead or something. But I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m making excuses for him all over again. He might just have been doing what he does best and telling me what I want to hear when he’s drunk orrr he could have been telling the truth. He’s asked me to go and stay at his all weekend this coming weekend. friday to sunday. Whether or not he meant this is also a mystery. 

Now I’m so confused about what to do. I really just want to give up on this guy but theres a part of me that doesn’t want to.

Stuck in a rut.

Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly going round in circles in my mind. When I even start to consider the fact that I might be marginally interested in a guy that has just come into my life I become a mess. This is when I realise that I do have very large confidence issues and relationship problems. The problem is I compare myself to others, and see the way they act around other girls and then compare it to the way they are around me and think about it. I constantly worry about the way I look and my self-confidence completely drops, when usually I’m quite a confident person. I can be jealous, but only slightly. I can be down, when I realise I’m not what they actually want. Or when I see their ex’s and see that I would literally stand no chance against them. When I see how they talk to my naturally beautiful and amazing best friend and think, well they’re not like that with me. Yes they flirt with me. Yes they’ve text me a few times outside of work but I feel like I’m the one making the effort. 

I should not be doing this. I hate it. Thats why I just choose to be on my own. Without sounding remotely big headed but I do get attention from other guys but I pass up on it because unless I’m overwhelmed with attraction for this person and their personality then there is no point in me bothering because I know I’ll only just get bored. So I don’t settle for someone, I’m not desperate. I’m okay by myself. But then sometimes I consider the fact that I might actually like to have some kind of companionship every now and again. All my friends are in relationships and they spend A LOT of time together. I spend a lot of time at home alone. 

But then as soon as I can feel myself getting pessimistic about something that hasn’t even happened yet then I panic and I hate it. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to constantly be worrying about whether or not I’m good enough. That I look okay around them. That they’re attracted to me just as much as I am to them. I’m not even talking about potential relationship material, just someone that I could possibly sleep with occasionally which I am fully aware of. But I still get ridiculous about it. It still makes me question my worth and whether or not I’m good enough for them. 

Battling self-love and self-hate.

I feel like i’ve become everything I hate yet i’ve learned to love myself in the past few weeks.

I feel better about the way I look, I wear less makeup, I can go out without my hair all perfect and I can still feel like me. But yet I decided to wear a pair of hair extensions for one day and I feel like a fraud and instantly hate myself for it. What is that about? I hate fake hair, anything fake annoys me. Fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails. And yet I go out with them on and I don’t feel at all comfortable but yet everyone said they looked real? Should I feel comfortable? Or should I just admit the fact that they’re not who I am and stop trying so damn hard.

I feel like I’m me again in some respects, the past year of exam stress and knowing how hard I needed to work to try and get to the uni of my choice was gut wrenching. It tore me apart, hence all the depressed posts about guys. I was overly emotional and I got attached so easily because it was a distraction to the real challenges I was facing in my life. But now that they’re over (in a sense, still haven’t got my results.) I can be me again and I am. I laugh a lot and enjoy my life and can get upset about the menial things such as a bad day at work.

But now I’ve done a few stupid things over the past few weeks that I’m not sure how to feel about, I would normally sit and talk to my supposed best friend about all this, but he’s decided he no longer wants to be my friend. Because of said bad things.

The ex I spoke about around my exams, I slept with him again. He rang me up at 5am in town wanting to be picked up. I know I should have said no to him, but me being me and still having feelings towards him couldn’t say no. So I picked him up, we slept together and then that was it. I didn’t hear from him again. I feel cheap and disgusting but yet at the same time I knew exactly what I was doing, I wasn’t drunk. I made the choice to let him inside me and my head again so I shouldn’t be complaining. Yet I felt bad about it. But now something else has happened.

Remember Sam?

The tall pale guy from my past and from college? The one I thought I couldn’t patch things up with and he would never talk to me again?

Well we patched things up, we became friends again and well we slept together again. We’ve come to an arrangement whereby we will be ‘fuck-buddies’ until I head off to university in September. So I’ve slept with him twice since the arrangement and he only really texts me or anything to see if I’m about for sex or whatever. I feel okay about it, I think. One part of me is like, well I’m getting laid which is something I want but without the hassle of getting attached to someone before I leave. But the other part of me is like ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’ I need to let go of my past and my past men and start afresh with someone else. But I know it’s just sex so why should I not indulge in such a proposition? We both know where we stand so what’s the harm in having a little bit of fun?

There is however a small part of me that hopes that by spending time with me he may start to have feelings for me, but I know that will never happen, a guy has to respect a girl to have feelings for her. And he clearly doesn’t respect me. But that’s just a pondering. I’m always secretly hoping for something to happen. But until I stop giving it up so easily it won’t happen. I justify my actions with the fact that I’m not sleeping with anyone new. The amount of people I’ve slept with isn’t going up so am I really doing anything wrong? I’ve never had a one night stand with someone I don’t know, I’ve never gone home with someone I’ve just met. I’ve never slept with someone on the first date. I do things relatively properly when I am seeing someone for more than just sex. But when I know it is just sex is it so wrong to act the way I’m acting? I’m sure Sam is getting a pat on the back like ‘Hey buddy you’re getting laid!’ Whereas I’m battling with my inner conscience about what I’m doing is the right thing. One of my friends said good on me. Another said it’s a bad move because she knows how upset over him I was before.

I suppose what I’m really asking is, is it possible to enjoy yourself yet completely hate yourself at the same time? Should I really feel bad about what I’m doing? Should I accept that the things I find acceptable change? Should I just enjoy what time I’ve got left in this town with these people whilst I can? Or should I stop the whole thing now before I get in a mess and stop pretending to be someone I’m not?

 

I forget.

I forget how lucky I am. I forget how easy I have it. I forget the choices that I have in my life.

I have a beautiful family. One of my nieces, the one I see more often, was born premature last year with a hole in her heart but now the hole has healed and she’s bigger and stronger than ever. She’s so beautiful, everytime I look at her my heart melts. I just want to envelope her in love, it upsets me that when I leave I’ll be leaving her behind. That’s the hardest thing, not being able to see her grow up and walk and talk. I’m so thankful I have her in my life, she gives me hope and strength. She’s only just 1 but it hurts me now to think of anyone hurting her in the future. I’m crying as I write this. I don’t want to lose contact with my family when I leave. But I know that I have to leave and I have to go. 

I need to get my education. The fact that my family have been so supportive of me going to university and offering me some kind of financial support when I go has made it 10x easier for me to be able to go. I know a lot of people go to university but I had 2 years out after school before doing my A levels. A lot happened in my life then and I went through some tough things. But thankfully I got back on the straight and narrow and now I’m leaving in September.

I’m scared about it all, but excited too. I don’t know what will happen to me or who I’ll meet and become friends with. That’s the scariest bit. Making new friends. I know everyone is in the same boat but I’ve never got on particularly well with groups of girls and I tend to be misunderstood because I like my alone time and sometimes I get overwhelmed in friendship groups and need to recoup. I just hope I can make friends that understand that.

The thing that also scared me as well is guys. I know I’ll end up meeting guys when I go to uni but I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know if I want to get involved with someone again. Because every time I do, I end up getting hurt. And the amount that I’ve been hurt lately is enough to last me a lifetime. 

I’m still hurting now, but it’s getting easier. Working full time throughout this summer will do me good. I’ll earn money and I’ll be so busy that I won’t even have time to think about him. I know he’s been stalking me on twitter and I know that he’s been joking about me. Calling me names, insulting my intelligence. But the only intelligence he’s insulting is his own because he can’t admit that he does care about me. Or else why would he even bother? Love and hate are so close together that it’s easy to confuse the emotions. His friend is the one that hates me. Not him. He just needs to realise that and get to grips with his own emotions. Or maybe I’m just being delusional. But I did get to know him pretty well. He opened up to me like he had never done with anyone. He let me in and he didn’t want me to leave. But he ended up letting someone else kick me out for him. One day he’ll wake up and realise what he lost. And I’m sure by that time, it will be too late. Because I’ll be gone.

The things I remember.

Image

 

I hate how I can suddenly remember everything about you. The way you looked when you slept, the way you walked towards me, the way you always wanted to be with me. I can still remember how nervous I was the first time we agreed to meet up. I didn’t know where you lived so you met me and I followed you back, I still remember your face at the window when you saw me waiting for you in my car. I still remember the day we got high, we thought it was a good idea at the time, but we got back and fell asleep in each others arms for the rest of the day and then woke up with the munchies. I still remember the way you’d get jealous about me spending more time with other guys at college, even though no-one knew we were together and I didn’t want to look keen. I still remember our first kiss, we were watching a film and lying next to each other, it was obvious it was going to happen but you were too scared to make a move. So I did and when I did, after woulds you sat up straight away processing it. Like you couldn’t believe that I’d kissed you. But then you came back and you kissed me like you meant it, I knew you meant it. I still remember all the sex we would have. In the afternoon. At night. In the morning. After college. After dinner. We’d get up get dressed and then get undressed again just to have sex. You wanted me. You’d cuddle me all night. You’d envelope me in your arms. You’d kiss my head. I still remember the time you told me you loved me and you couldn’t imagine your life without me. You had gone to a party but you didn’t want to be there, you wanted to be with me so I came to get you. ‘I’ve been thinking…’ you said, ‘and I think that I love you and to be honest, I don’t know what I’d do without you now’ I just laughed because you were drunk, but you made me say it back. But I knew that you meant it and I meant it to. I remember when you weren’t with me you’d text me all the time and get annoyed when I didn’t text back. I remember when your friend asked about me and you said yes it was getting serious. I remember cuddling on your sofa in front of your mum for the first time. I remember when you bought me breakfast whilst I was in the bath. I remember when I joined blockbusters and you made me put you on my membership, it was the first thing we had together. I remember spending my birthday with you, it was the best birthday ever. I remember you wouldn’t arrange to see me because you had work, but halfway through your shift you’d sneak off to text me to meet you after. We’d buy loads of food and go back to yours after. I remember you’d invite me round and I wouldn’t have to knock the door, I’d just come in because you wanted me to, I was part of your life back then.

I remember waiting for you texts, hours of waiting for your texts. You became distant. I remember you couldn’t even face me. You couldn’t look me in the eye and tell me it was over after everything. I knew you weren’t being honest with me that’s why I wanted you to say it to my face so much. I knew that you had feelings for me, but you pretended you didn’t. When you were drunk and you saw me, you’d be all over me again. I remember the night you rang me crying after being beat up, I ran through town terrified for you, wishing you were okay. I remember sitting in the hospital with you, your head on my shoulder, your mum opposite us. You needed me, you wanted me there. I remember your mum telling you how much you should appreciate me and keep me in your life. You didn’t say anything. I remember how I felt back then, stronger than ever.   I remember everything. I wonder if you do too?

 

Hidden hand of the universe.

Do you ever feel like the universe is trying to tell you something? Like everything happens for a reason and things happen for the greater plan of things? That’s what I’m questioning right now. I’m not entirely sure what to make of the events of the past few weeks or how the hell I’m supposed to feel about them. I’ve made some more mistakes and made myself look like an absolute head case in the process. I’m not happy, far from it to be honest.

So my dear you post was referring to seeing my ex out and him apologising for everything that happened with me and then we ended up going home together and then he invited me to his the next day and I spent the day with him. Saw all his family again, he cuddled and kissed me in bed. He held me in his arms the way he used to, taking all of me in and enveloping me in his body. He even took me to his work where all his colleagues knew who I was. What the hell does that mean? And then he turns around and tells me he feels nothing for me and he didn’t back then when he had admitted to me drunk that he loved me. 

But then on friday night, it was my step dad’s birthday so we went out for an indian and after we thought we’d venture down to the pub along the same road. So off we pop, I go in and head straight to the toilet. I come out the toilet greet my family turn around and the first person I see is HIM. What the hell does that mean? Why is he there? Why is it the first time I  even go out in public since it happened that I see him? It’s like the universe is trying to tell me something but I’m not sure what. I did proceed to embarrass myself later that night after a few too many drinks I felt the need to drunk call him. A lot. He answered a few times and we had a chat and he said that he was just being friendly when he invited me into his house. But I don’t believe it for a second. I don’t know what to make of the whole situation. I’m supposed to be revising for the rest of my exams but I’m falling apart trying to work out what the hell is going on with him. Even if he did feel something for me he wouldn’t admit it ’cause his friend hates me for no apparent reason, he doesn’t even know me. He just hates me ’cause he put me before him when we were together and he doesn’t want to risk it happening again. 

Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

But what if it’s not? What if we’re supposed to be together and he won’t let it happen.

Maybe I’m being delusional and I need to accept the fact that he doesn’t even want me.

Why did he have to come back into my life? Why did he have to fuck my head up again?

 

Dear you, (part 2)

I can’t even begin to tell you how shit I feel right now. I did not see this coming at all, I hate how  a chance encounter with you throws all the hard work I’ve gone through in the past year has gone out the window. I have never felt so lost. I’m starting to question everything, what I’m doing, what I want, where I want to go. Nothing feels right anymore. Nothing feels good. I used to care about things, now all I seem to care about is you. Little things keep coming back to me. You gave me your watch so i’d stay with you and you’d stay with me. You stroked my hair out my face. You told me you did love me before to my face. Yet you say you have no feelings for me now and you didn’t before via text. Make up your mind. I don’t expect you to love me now, that would be silly. But what I do expect if for you to feel something for me after the other night. The way you acted the day after with me all day was so confusing. You were still being caring and nice. You still kissed me and held me in your arms the way you do. Yet you’ve gone cold now. You’ve gone away again. And I don’t know how to get you back? Tell me how to get you back. so I don’t have to feel like this any longer.

I’m yours,

Me

Dear you.

You somehow have managed to ruin my life again. It was over a year ago that it happened the first time, when you just broke it off with me without giving me any kind of proper explanation. And then you wondered why I wouldn’t let it go? You treated me like ****. You made me doubt who I even am and want to be anyone other than me. You’d act like you didn’t know me and then when you were drunk you’d be all over me, wanting to talk to me and be there for you when you were beat up. I eventually moved on with my life and so did you, ****ing every girl in sight and getting yourself a reputation. But then you claim to have changed and an accidental text meant that you could apologise for all the hurt you caused me. But then it’s your birthday, so I text you happy birthday. I didn’t plan on going out, I just ended up out and not at one point did it cross my mind that you would be going out in our home town. But low and behold a drunken text confirms that you are out and we meet up and we talk and you apologise for everything and you make me feel good about it all. But then you have to go and kiss me. You had to go and change it and obviously drunken me who hasn’t been with anyone for nearly a year is going to go for it. I take you home and we have sex, you hold me all night and we talk some more. The next day you still kiss me and hold me. You invite me to your house so you can get changed. You let me see all your family again. You take me to the place you work and let people see you with me again. And then I ask you if you want to see me again and you say you’ll talk to me about it later when I drop you home. You then text me and tell me you need time to think because it’s a big deal. I ask why? You say that it’s because we didn’t work before so why would we work again? You have no time for a relationship so it would be hard work. I say that I need time too because not even I know if I’d want to set myself up to get hurt by you again. But then I say that if you’re just saying this because you think it’s the easy way out then don’t, just tell me the truth. So then hours later you text me and tell me you have no feelings for me and as nice as it would be to try again, it would be wrong. I’m half asleep at this point so I think I don’t care and take it as it is. I wake up and all I can think about it you. I cry to myself in the bath. I cry to myself in the lounge. I cry down the phone to my mum. I cry when when my nan is nice to me. I cry because I can’t revise. I cry when I walk in the rain. I can’t take this **** from you. I don’t even know why I’m so upset about it. I don’t even know if I still have feelings for you. I don’t know why I let you affect me so much. Why couldn’t you just leave me be the morning after? Why did you have to do things that would of course make me believe you wanted something again? You’re making me hate myself again because I can’t stop thinking about you when I have 6 exams coming up. Why did you have to apologise for the **** you did to me? Why did you have to hold me when I cried about the way you made me feel? Why did you defend me when I cried about how ugly I thought I was? Why did you have to come back into my life now? And then walk out so abruptly again leaving devastation in your wake?

Yours faithfully
Me